When "I'm fine" feels safer than "I'm hurting": The cost of pretending in church

Have you ever walked into church, smiled, said “I’m fine,” and instantly felt the ache of pretending?

In this episode, Melissa and Jasmine unpack the hidden pressure many believers feel to appear “spiritually mature.” We explore how church culture can unintentionally reward masking - showing up polished, composed, and holy - when our souls are actually crying out for safety and connection.

You’ll hear honest reflections about:

• The loneliness that comes from feeling unseen, even in church.
• Why we equate vulnerability with weakness.
• How pretending keeps us disconnected from both God and others.
• Practical, grace-filled ways to begin unmasking, little by little, without losing your sense of safety.
• What it looks like to let others in when your heart is still in a tender season of healing.

This isn’t about church-bashing. It’s about healing the parts of us that learned to hide and remembering that God meets us most deeply when we’re real.

Reflection Questions:

1. When was the last time you said "I'm fine" but didn’t mean it?
2. What keeps you from being honest with your community or even with yourself?
3. What would “one small act of honesty” look like for you this week?

🎙️ Subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes, and follow me on Instagram @melchanity for more encouragement and resources!

🎁 Sign up for my FREE mini-course on how to process your emotions God's way - without shutting down or spiraling.

Transcript

Episode 4 - Audio: 0:43

Welcome to the Christian Women's Journey to healing and identity in Christ. Here we break free from shame, striving, and self-doubt to walk in the freedom and intimacy with God that we are always meant to have. I'm Melissa Chan. A Christian emotional healing coach with the PhD in Developmental Psychology. And here with me is Jasmine Garcia, my trusted co-host and good friend. Our inner healing journeys have been so similar that it's clear we were meant to walk this out together with y'all. We don't show up as women who have this all figured out. We show up as women who are. Healing in real time and sharing vulnerably along the way. So if you've ever felt unseen, stuck or like there's something wrong with you, know that we're here with you. We're talking real emotions, real healing, and real Jesus. today we're talking about why so many of us feel this pressure to pretend we're okay when we're really not. We'll talk about how buzzword church culture can reinforce that pressure unintentionally sometimes. Why pretending is initially protective, but then it starts to blur this line and becomes who we are, and then we feel trapped. Then some tangible, small steps toward more, authenticity and wholeness. So let's talk about that first one. Church culture, reinforcing that pressure. Our favorite, we said we were gonna have a lot of disclaimers, so look out for that. Even in us doing this episode and talking about the church culture portion of it, we have to face people pleasing go against it. Because honestly, it's a bit nerve wracking to talk about this both of us are in that journey of overcoming people pleasing as a trauma response. Given our past experiences, we're always thinking, well, if I say this, it's gonna get misinterpreted this way. And they're gonna misunderstand my heart, they're gonna assume this about my character. So to show up here and talk about this topic, this is not easy for us at all. Mm-hmm. It's not easy, but we know that it's really important to talk about. We don't hate the church. We love the church. Go to church. We encourage you all to go to church. All have fallen short of the glory of God. Right. Romans 3 23. If church is a compilation of people who have all fallen short of the glory of God, a church is not perfect, which means that there are ways that the church does not reflect in its completeness, the glory of God and the heart of God. That's the part that we're talking about. The word talks about how it's still growing in perfect maturity. I think that's where, we can have these conversations and point out things within church culture that, need to come to light. Yeah. So that we walk in greater freedom. Yep. Exactly. So now that we got that out of the way, when we talk about church culture, what are we talking about? What are we referring to? I think things that are spoken and unspoken, some of the things that we talked about are how it almost feels okay when you are coming to the Lord to come as you are. But it gets harder as you walk a journey, of, becoming more like Jesus. Where it feels like there is less space to make mistakes and it's not that, it's being said flat out. But I think there's an implication at times. Yeah. when we first come to Christ, there's so much grace. The understanding is, oh, well, she's a baby Christian. Yeah. Her life is gonna be messy and chaotic. You'll figure it out. You'll, you'll get your walking legs, don't worry. You know, there's this grace that's given and then all of a sudden it's almost like a light switch where one day it's like you go from not knowing very much because you're immature in Christ or a baby in Christ, and then all of a sudden, It's almost like this expectation of, did you not learn already? Why? Yeah. Why are you still struggling with this? What, why are you not increasing in your knowledge, or why, where is the growth? Where are the results? Exactly. when you start learning more, and you're becoming more well-versed, not just, with the word of God, but within church culture, like prayer like all the disciplines of your faith, the how toss and the how to nots. it almost seems like because we become so well versed in these areas, that there's this unspoken expectation that, you don't, you don't gonna struggle with that, or you're not gonna go through that, you know? Mm-hmm. As a marker of a mature Christian, as a marker of a mature Christian. The marker would be like how well versed we've become within, the church community of the church culture. Everything in life has a culture, and there is church culture. Like, what do we do when we show up to a service? How do we act with each other? You know, like I didn't go to places before and call people brother and sister, but now I'm picking up even that language. And so the more integrated I become in that way, the more it seems that. Expectation correlates with my maturity in Christ. Mm-hmm. Or even my maturity being the fact that I might not struggle, which is not true. Or that I'm growing in this area yeah. There's this expectation or assumption of how our Christian walk will progress linearly. Mm. Yeah. Like it's this gradual upward growth over time. And yeah, that's ideal, but that's not reality at all. That's not necessarily how the Christian walk, looks like it's not this upward bound. I see it more like circular. It's a seasonal thing. There will be seasons where like in winter, all of these, plants and stuff will be covered, but then come spring They will blossom, I think that is a better representation of our walk with the Lord. Maybe not even circular. In my mind, I'm thinking like crazy jagged lines. There's no pattern whatsoever. Yeah. Like an EKG. Yeah. No. Flat line. That's the winter season. Are you alive? Yeah. I think for now, for now. But yeah, first of all, I know as a church we all know the vernacular. We all know the spiritual aphorisms and the common phrases that are said in church, and one of them is come as you are. Right? Yeah. And as a church we should be reflecting that because that is God's invitation to us. And I think as a church we want to be reflecting that. Yeah. Honestly, I do think the church wants that, but I think sometimes there's a breakdown between what we as the church want versus our behaviors and our messaging. Even though we desire to tell people come as you are, sometimes the pressure that the church culture puts on people is more of come as you should be, not as you are. Yeah. And I'm wondering where that comes from. Cause it's not something that I felt like I learned within church walls, when I first come to Jesus. I used to show up with, ripped gray pants, big old hole used to be in worship with this giant black sweater. And people that know me, when I first came to the Lord, like no, like I had snot all over me. Like I am crying. I'm jumping up and down I am falling apart in his glory. But little by little, at some point I felt like maybe I didn't have the freedom to fall apart in that way. In the same intensity that I once did. What, within the church culture strips that away that's a really good question. I don't know if I have the answer to that. Like, oh, this is, this is the thing. immediately what came to mind is my PhD experience, and I remember struggling so much with statistics. I know you, you're taking statistics, you share my hatred for it. Um, I struggled so much with stats and when I looked around, it didn't seem like anybody else in my class was, but I was racking my brain. I couldn't get through the homework. I didn't even know. How to approach it. I had a, really bad meltdown. I was in the bathroom with two of my classmates and they're like, are you okay? I'm like, I'm not okay. I'm gonna flunk out my PhD program. I can't get stats. I'm trying so hard. And they're like, we don't understand it either. And I was like, but you seem fine. You look okay. Here I am falling apart. Girl, you're coming onto something. Oh my goodness. Keep to keep talking, please. I think to a certain extent, everybody is struggling, but some people hide it more than others. And when we see other people hiding it. We assume that what they're putting out is actually a reflection of what's happening inside. So if on the outside they are actually masking and it seems like they're well versed in scripture and even when they're going through something hard, they say stuff like, God is so great and this is such a blessing, and they're saying all the right phrases and not showing any signs of emotional struggle. That cues to me that, oh, there's something wrong with how I'm approaching this. I'm not spiritual enough. Because I still am struggling with these emotions, or I still am not having favor in this area. Yeah. So there's something that I'm doing wrong. We start to emulate what other people are portraying. Melissa, this is golden. It is. It is. Like, I feel like I'm having a whole revelation moment right now. Huh. The way that others are showing up in community directly affect how others show up in community. Yeah. It's the masking that's already in place, that's happening. That's perpetuating even more masking within the community. Yeah. Oh my goodness. I, I'm just, wow. Yeah. That's it. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you Holy Spirit. He wowed me. I was like, wow, Lord. I'm having a whole moment like, we did not talk about this. Yeah. No, we didn't. I'm so grateful for that. This is why I feel like it's so important to kind of, the phrase that you used last time was untwist some lies. Yeah. And bring these things to light because so much of what we talked about is geared towards the individual, right? Your own personal relationship with God, and, refraining from masking, refraining from pretending and people pleasing, all that sort of stuff. Learning to be safe with Jesus and expressing your emotions with them, right? Mm-hmm. The reason why we talk about. The importance of that is because it affects the way that we show up in community and in supporting other people. And in us being free with Jesus and we bring that fragrance with us into the church community that begets freedom. Exactly. And I think it's even more affected when we talk about discipleship. cause if you think about it, discipleship happens one-on-one, but there's also this aspect where we're learning as we're collecting as a body. Mm-hmm. You know, and if collectively we're learning that it's not okay to show up a certain way, then it's just gonna keep multiplying that you're gonna see replicas of that. That's how culture gets established and reinforced. I think the hard part about overcoming, pretending and people pleasing is making that decision and assessing the risk to stand out against culture. Even when we're on the topic of church culture some of us may have to be the ones that pioneer that type of moment within our church communities. Okay, this is tangent. Every time I hear the word pioneer, I just kind of die inside because that's a word that's constantly spoken over me. My previous pastor, got a prophetic word for me and he's like, the word that comes to mind when I think about you is pioneer. And I'm like, oh. I don't like it because it's hard. Yes. Because there's misunderstanding and I think there's pushback and resistance to what is already in place. Yeah. And then there's offense to, I think the offense that comes from I feel like you're saying that something's wrong with what's operating. Mm. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think it, it can be hard in that, but when I realized, even within my own life, people that, I enjoy watching on social media or people that I enjoy being around are people that show up authentically. Mm-hmm. Just because we crave it.'cause we crave it, and we recognize there's so much freedom. Mm-hmm. Even if they're showing up and saying, I feel horrible today. It's so comforting. Yeah. Some of us might have to be the first ones to show up authentically to say, you know what, I'm actually not okay today. Or, I actually didn't feel like lifting up my hands and worship today. I actually wanted to sit in the back and I felt pretty heavy and I didn't feel like I could say anything other than just sit there today. And it may seem scary and others may say, really why? Worship is great, and you might start to second guess yourself and be like, uh, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe I should, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I remember having a conversation with a sister in Christ and I was bringing up, things that I observed that were concerning. And also just speaking from my own, personal experience of how hard it was for me to feel like authentic in the, community that we were both in. Her response was, something along the lines of I feel like you don't care about the community, because I was bringing up what was viewed as negative. I remember that hurting so much at the time because my heart isn't that I don't care about the community. My heart is that I care so much for the community that it grieves my heart to see that this is the current state and we're still just okay with this and not. Reflecting the heart of God and not surrendering to God this area and how to support people in the outskirts of community. I think there's this assumption even within the church that because the church gets persecuted so much, we as loyal Christians wanna protect the church, especially from within. There shouldn't be anything negative said about the church because we already get persecuted enough as Christians, right? So any sort of concerns that we might have if we vocalize that it's viewed as disloyalty, it's viewed as hatred even, or dislike or pettiness towards the church. When actuality, we bring these things, not to complain against the church, but we want to see the church grow Jesus talks about, him being the bride groom and the church being his bride, he wants to present the bride without blemish. Right. But that process, it's a process. We can't continue just living in Ladi dah land, you know? And just saying, worship is great and this is great. The sermon's great, it's all great. And then we go home just the same. We go home with people who are hurting, who didn't get tended to because they were silenced. We can't continue that. That's not the heart of God. I'm getting worked up. No, it's okay. No, I'm, I'm even thinking about some of the most powerful moments happen, when I say yes to an altar call. But sometimes there is a battle as you start to mature, it's like, am I gonna go up again? Am I gonna go up three weeks in a row? Like I need prayer again. You know, I'm saying yes to this again, but sometimes like stepping out of my comfort zone, fighting against any shame or guilt and being weak when nobody's going to the altar call. Ooh. When you're at the lone altar call responder. Present. But you know what, there have been times where I'm like, it's okay. I wanna say yes. Because I'm not leaving the same. Yeah. I'm gonna leave different. And God, God answers that heart of humility. He's like, she's literally being i'm needy. Nobody else is going up. I may be the only one that's struggling in this building, but I'm going up anyways, and he will touch you. I think about the passage of the two blind men who, heard that Jesus was passing by and there was a crowd of people around. They're like, shh. Yeah. They got, they were calling out to Jesus. And the crowd was like, shh, quiet. Leave him alone. And they cried out all the more. Yeah. I love it. And I feel like that is the kind of tenacity and desperation for Jesus that we need. That's the kind of desperation that leads to freedom, that leads to breaking all of this culture in the church that is not of God and preserving and growing the parts of the church culture that is of him. So clearly there's a lot within the church culture, not perfect. But, these things can unintentionally reinforce this pressure to just be a certain way to be our expectation of what immature Christian is. I also want to talk about how pretending starts off as a trauma response. We've talked about that previously. And sometimes it's okay and protective to pretend. One example that comes to mind is maybe you are having a tough time at work and you need to be professional, right? Like I am a professor, for instance, and I've had so many days where. I'm almost on the verge of an anxiety attack, or I am like this close to unraveling. But I can't sit down and. Unravel my emotions with God in that moment. I have to teach my students. Yeah. And so I kind of pocket those emotions and I put them off to the side and I teach through it. As a professional, I would call that pretending, but it's a, a necessary thing to do given my job. Mm-hmm. When it starts to not be okay is when I make it a continued habit and I don't return to processing those emotions that came up. Yeah. And allowing myself to feel them with God. So at that point, if I start making this a habit of constantly pushing emotions off to the side or wearing a mask and pretending everything's okay, teaching through it or serving through it, that's when it starts to kind of blur a line and it becomes part of who we are. It's no longer something that we do because we have to, in the moment, it's something that we do and we can't shut off. It becomes performative. Like our day to day becomes, how can I show up the best way possible at all times. You set a standard and if you don't meet that standard, then it's accompanied by so many different things. And even what you were saying, talking your way out of your emotions and just being like, I'm fine. It's okay. Like not only are you taking it from doing that within a community of people, but now you're telling yourself I'm fine. I'm okay. Instead of actually being honest with yourself and saying I'm not okay. And, not only am I not gonna pretend with people, but I'm not gonna even pretend with myself. Because we can start pretending with ourself it starts to become what you identify with. And in a social setting, it's almost feeling as if this one version of yourself is the only acceptable version, or this one version of yourself is the only version where there's enough room in the social group. Like on a Sunday, the very spiritual, very joyful version of me, which that version of me exists, but I feel as if sometimes that's the only version of me that I can portray on a Sunday. And so all the other versions of myself, the side that's struggling, the side that has doubts, the side that is in a depressive episode, I feel as if sometimes there's not enough room for that. It then becomes really hard to accept love from people because I'm always wondering in the back of my mind. Do they love the real me when they don't even know the real me? I haven't been all versions of myself with them. I know that they care, but would they care if they also saw these other parts of me? But then the only way to find out that question is to allow these other parts of you to surface with them. And it becomes this, cycle of like, well, but I can't do that because I think that this is the only part of me that they love. Right. There's always this fear of you kind of wanna know the answer to that question, but then you also kind of don't. Because what if they don't love that version of you? What if they can't handle that version of you? Yeah. That's also a painful reality to deal with. Yeah. They might not accept that part of you, or they might misunderstand that part of you, or they might label it as something. With pretending, we do it out of protection after being hurt by community. Yeah. And so now I start being like, well, I don't know if it's safe for me to, on a mask or if it's safe for me to say that I'm not okay. What if they say something about it and I just leave more hurt? In the aftermath of that. Yeah. Not only am I dealing with feelings of depression or anxiety, but now I'm dealing with. Feelings of like, man, it really just hurt me, that I'm being seen in a certain light because of it. So that's hard too. And so now you're fighting two things now. Yeah. You're fighting the fears that keep you in people pleasing as a trauma response. But then also you're fighting this fear of being misunderstood. And then you realize maybe it's not safe to share X, Y, and C. what you're describing is the very definition of trauma. So trauma is when any kind of event happens. Could be chronic or episodic where, because it happened, the after effects it. Kind of shifts, how you show up or how you see the world or how you see yourself or see other people. So when that shift happens, that itself is trauma. Trauma talks about the, effects of the event or the effects of the chronic situation. So by definition, that event to you was traumatic. Mm-hmm. It totally changed the way that you typically interacted with the community and how comfortable you felt in vulnerably sharing. You had asked me something about like group therapy, oh, group coaching, group coaching, or how you would feel, and she was like, honest answer. And I was like, you know, right now I think that would be a lot for me. Mm-hmm. You know, I think I could do a one-on-one and that would, challenge me enough. Because at the time it felt like I just wanted me and the Lord, But intellectually and also spiritually, I knew how beneficial it was to be in community and safe places where I could be vulnerable, I think the lesson that I learned from that was yes, it was great that I experienced that and I, needed to experience that. But it made me realize not only do I need to give myself grace, but I need to have grace knowing that the other person. And myself, we're gonna show up and not really know at times how to work out this unmasking and masking. Mm-hmm. You know? That's the lesson that I learned and I think I'm still processing it, to be honest. So still healing in real time. Yeah. And still walking it out in real time. Yeah. So, yeah, that's how we do here. when you're so vulnerable and so tender.. The only safe place, which this is true, you only safe place is with Jesus. I think there is a season where God calls us into this, like, isolation time with him. Yeah. Almost like an incubation period. And he very tenderly starts to heal and transform us, as we learn to trust him more, as we encounter him and see, wow, God is exactly who he says he is. He is so kind. He is so gentle and so loving, and everything's great, you know, everything's great when it's just you and Jesus. And then there comes a time when Jesus goes, my daughter, I'm so proud of how far you've come. It's time to go back into community. And you're like, what? No, I went through this too. Yeah. I was just like, I love things with you, Jesus. You're my best friend. You are safe. You are perfect. So because you're perfect, it's predictable. I can expect love and patience and tenderness from you, but other people know. Other people, we all fall short of the glory of God. Exactly. So other people, I can't predict them, they're not gonna be as patient as you and all those things are true. Mm-hmm. But, the Bible says non-Christians will know God's love by the love that we have for one another as Christians one another. I think that's the reason why it's set up this way, imperfect people in an imperfect church. Yes. When we start to see the love of God in these interactions within the church body, that truly is a miracle. That truly is a reflection of the love of God. But it's scary. Yeah. It's so scary. Especially when you are healing from a very tender, vulnerable place. you have to give so much grace not just to yourself, but to the other person because the other person is not gonna get it right all the time and they are going to disappoint you or they are going to hurt you and you're gonna do the same thing for them. This is something that I feel like I've been on a continual journey living out that community part. How do I show up authentically in community? It's one of those things where I can see how much my friends care for me. That is not something that I doubt at all. But in knowing how to support me, that's a continual skill. And it's something that I kind of had to. Let go to God and say, God, I've entrusted that you are my gatekeeper. So you will only open the gate to people who are safe enough for me in this time. But just because someone's safe doesn't mean that they're perfect. Even safe people can hurt us. But that's part of the process. Yeah. I had this friendship with someone who we were like complete opposite. They're not someone who feels the highs and lows of emotions. Like I feel very intensely. I'm very sensitive. That's how God has wired my brain. And this other person is so easygoing. There was a lot of miscommunication between us all throughout our friendship. I would do something and then this person wouldn't understand why I did it and made assumptions about the why of behind my behavior. Yeah. And I would do the same to them, but we always had this. Love for Jesus, which made us continue to love each other. to work at the friendship. Yeah. So there were moments of having really difficult, awkward, emotional conversations the specific memory that comes to mind is I had asked my friend to help me take pictures. We were at a picturesque place and I was very particular and I wanted the pictures and so they tried to take these pictures. They're from this angle going in this way. Yeah. Like you gotta do, you know, bend all in these awkward positions to get the shot. I need the shot. Um, you've gotta get the background too. Yeah. Everything needs to be perfect. And so I instructed them on how to take the pictures they obliged. Mm-hmm. But it was, it felt very half-hearted, like, okay, okay, click, click, click. Then I looked at the pictures and I was like, um, can we redo this? You know, I was not satisfied with it. I know it seems minor, but there was something deeper. That was getting triggered on both of our ends. since I have aphantasia the inability to visualize things in my mind's eye, the only way that I can remember anything that's happened to me is if I have pictures of it. So I kind of want pictures a certain way because I wanna capture that experience. Literally, pictures are the only thing that allows me to remember and to see it. Something happened, it, yeah. That that was why pictures were so important to me and I wanted it a certain way. And then on my friend's end, when this person was little, their father would, make the family take all these pictures and the father would take so long, like in a very public setting, everyone's waiting or their causing, causing all this traffic to happen because the father's like trying to get the shot. So my friend got so embarrassed about it and hates taking pictures and being in pictures for that reason. So for them, they had a negative association for picture taken. I didn't know that background and then they didn't know my background. All of that. Unraveled as we talked about it. They noticed that I was emotionally shutting down. cause I'm like, I'm just asking for this one thing. I don't usually really ask for much. But this one thing is so important to me because I wanna treasure this moment. Otherwise, if I don't have this picture, I literally will not remember it. And I want to remember this'cause this means a lot to me. But none of that obviously was communicated and me saying, yeah, this is not the right shot. Do it again. So after we explained everything, things made sense, but it took that dedication to each other and to Jesus. To have that conversation to understand where we were both coming from. And we were able to work through it and become closer as friends through it. even if we don't get it right in the unmasking, or even if it is misinterpreted, we can't miss out on the beauty of Having these moments, you were able to have this real conversation and then it unveiled something that was still triggering them and vice versa. Mm-hmm. the thing is we are gonna get triggered. That's gonna happen in any relationship. Yeah. Because we're continually healing, but we can't assume that the other person knows why we're getting triggered. Exactly. We can't assume that they're reading our minds because no one can do that. Exactly. And so we do have to have those difficult conversations, those awkward conversations. We do have to take the risk of being vulnerable and saying, Hey, this hurt me because X, Y, and Z. And we can't necessarily even expect them to respond a certain way and be understanding. That's our hope. but do we care? Enough about that relationship and about the love of God that we've received and the grace that we've received to also extend into this, relationship as well. It actually makes me realize,'cause we're talking about stopping pretending, but also how that works in relationships. Mm-hmm. Because if you think about it, church culture does reinforce forgiveness. and you say forgive and forget, right? Like, I'm good, you know? Mm-hmm. But it's like how important it is to not just stop pretending within the context of community if you're not doing well, but relationally with people that you are in community. Like, hey, this actually hurt me. I'm not okay. I'm trying to understand like. What you meant by that. then when you have that honest conversation, not only are you unmasking in community, but you're also unmasking in your friendships within that community. Mm-hmm. which I think can also happen. When church culture reinforces certain things That whole forgive and forget phrase, I flinch every single time I hear it because forgive and forget is not biblical. you can forgive, but the hurt can still exist in your body. That doesn't mean you haven't. Forgiven them. Mm-hmm. forgiveness is the process. Forgiveness takes time, and you can truly desire to forgive, but to arrive there authentically, you can't just impose a timeline on someone. Yeah. And say, all right, it's been one year. You should have forgiven me by now. Yeah. Right. Forgiveness is not something that you're entitled to. Forgiveness requires grace on both sides. We kind of started talking about moving toward authenticity. And practical ways to do that. I think we talked about in a relational. Setting, like how to do that, how to have, an honest conversation and acknowledging how scary and vulnerable it can be. Mm-hmm. But if both sides has this understanding of, okay, I'm devoted to this friendship. I'm devoted to my relationship with God. I want this friendship or this relationship to succeed and to reflect the heart of God. So I'm going to sit down and have this conversation and try to understand, the goal is not to prove that I'm right. The goal is to restore. The goal is to humble ourselves and to love the other person as best as we can, we also talked about, I call it embodied honesty. so paying attention to your body and what it's signaling and putting actions into play that are aligned with what our body is telling us. for instance, I'm guilty of this, but if we're tired and we can feel it in our body instead of pushing through with serving or saying yes or being there for our friend that we really, really wanna be there for, but we're just expended just being honest and saying, you know what, I want to, but I don't have the capacity to right now. That's one way of embodying honesty and listening to your body that's part of good stewarding of your body. Or even, recognizing that, your body is almost signaling to you, Hey, I wanna cry. I feel very sad, you know, instead of, um, fine. Yeah. Instead of I'm fine. We're trying to suppress your emotions. Or like, who's cutting up garlic and onions? We're say jokingly, but we actually, yeah, we have done that. Um, but yeah, but actually allowing ourselves to cry if that's what our body is telling us that it needs, when we say deny the flesh, we don't mean deny what our body's signaling to us. Moving toward authenticity. Mm-hmm. I think, receiving without earning that's a really hard thing to do. Because when you allow yourself to receive, sometimes you feel like it's selfish or it's prideful. Mm-hmm. Um, the assumption is, well, I should be a cheerful giver. I should be serving, but you know, Jesus says, if you don't allow me to wash your feet, you have no part with me. There is a necessity to allowing yourself to be served. He says it to Peter. Mm-hmm. And Peter's like, okay, I got you. All right. Wash every part of me here. From head to toe. Yeah. From head to toe. Jesus. From head to toe and Jesus. Like not just my feet. Yeah. Jesus. I'm over. And Jesus is probably like, oh, Peter, I see you, but okay, I just need to wash your feet. Okay. Yeah. I think you also talked about the context of when receiving compliments or receiving affirmations Yeah. So refraining from deflecting Yes. When you're getting, affirmations. so I experienced this a lot, serving in worship. some people after worship might come up to me and be like, wow, you did so well. Are you saying so? Well, you have a beautiful voice. And it would make me feel so uncomfortable. racking my brain, like, how should I respond? What's the right response? Because if I say thank you, that feels prideful. And am I conveying to them that I'm like, oh yeah, like I have a good voice. I'm so blessed with this voice, you know, I bless you with my voice. Or like, if I, if I do, I say the, the right Christian thing and I'm using air quotes for that because there is no Right Christian response to something like that. Yeah. So I would always just say, when they tell me good job today, I would say, oh, praise the Lord. Praise God. And then inside I'm like. Why am I, why am I saying this? I mean, yes, I am praising God, but I kind of wanna say thank you, but I can't get myself to say thank you. I think it's also like learned, you know, it's a learned behavior. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like I remember going through that and like going through a phase where I was like, Lord, I want to say praise the Lord. I don't just wanna, but I don't wanna say it because it's the right thing to say. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know? If I'm gonna say I praise you, Lord, I want it to sound authentically. Mm-hmm. Like, we're gonna get there. Like obviously I'm praising the Lord, like I would not be here without Jesus. But like, just to say it because I'm afraid of them thinking that I'm being full of myself is a whole different story. Yeah. You know? Yeah. making sure that our motivations in saying what we're saying is aligned with God, and even if it isn't, that's part of the process, you know? Exactly. Being aware of it, bringing it to God and having him walk. With us in that, and then I was gonna lastly talk about micro moments of unmasking. I think for many of us who are caught in the cycle of pretending completely, taking off the mask and being a hundred percent vulnerable can feel so overwhelming. Mm-hmm. And even impossible to do right now. And that's okay. We're not asking you to Yeah. You know, flip the switch, But we're always about the process and I think Jesus is about the process as well. maybe instead of come completely unmasking when someone asks you, how are you doing? Instead of saying good, fine. Like the automatic responses. Yeah. say something that is true to what you're feeling. It doesn't have to be this big revolutionary thing, but maybe let's say you're having a hard time, so if someone asks you, how are you doing? You can just say, you know, I could be better. I'm not doing great. Or you can say, I'm kind of having a hard time. And if they probe and you're not ready for it, you can just set up a boundary and say, you know, I appreciate you. Asking, I really do. I'm, I'm just not ready to talk about this. Or I just don't feel like talking about it right now, but thank you. Yeah. Or even just like, I'm still processing. Mm-hmm. And I don't really know how to articulate it, but. Just wanna say that this is where I'm at right now. Mm-hmm. So overcoming, pretending and getting out of that hamster wheel cycle of pretending it is hard, but I think Jesus is so gracious in giving us these little tiny baby steps, and that's okay to take those baby steps. You don't have to flip the switch, go from pretending to not pretending all of a sudden in every single way. but it's a journey, And, God is glorified in every step of that way. Even if it feels like you're going backwards sometimes and unraveling God is still glorified because he's with you and he's meeting you in it. And there's something beautiful that happens when you allow yourself to show up just the way that you are. there's this confidence that comes, from doing those micro unmasking moments, you just feel more at home, even within yourself because you're recognizing Hey, I'm tired, or I feel this type of way. And you're acknowledging it. You're no longer deflecting it or no longer doing all the things that you're used to doing. and so you start to feel safe not just around community, but even within yourself, Yeah. Amen. Well, we thank you so much for joining us and we really do genuinely hope and pray that this was something that resonated with you. We talked about a lot about polling back the curtain on certain things in church culture that could be making it hard to stop pretending, and even how pretending can be a prison, and we don't know how to get out of it. And some tangible steps, little tiny steps that you can take to stop pretending. even if it's just one little thing in one little area with one little person, that's still progress, that's still a baby step in the right direction towards Jesus. thank you so much for spending this time with us. Follow our podcast. Send this to a friend, save this, as something to refer back to, and as always, keep it real with real emotions, real healing, Jesus and real Jesus. Until next time, bye bye.