The loneliness no one talks about in church: How to keep the faith when it still hurts

What do you do when you love Jesus, show up for community, and still feel alone?In this episode, we talk about the loneliness no one wants to name - the ache of feeling unseen in a place that’s meant to feel like family.

We explore the paradox of being faithful yet still feeling forgotten, the ache of longing for connection that never quite lands, and the quiet grief of realizing that even in church, the very place meant for belonging, you can still feel alone.

Sometimes loneliness comes from unhealed places or misplaced hopes. Other times, it’s simply the ache of being human in a broken world... living in the “already but not yet” of God’s Kingdom where love is real but not yet whole.

Together, we’ll unpack:

• The difference between wounds that isolate you and the waiting that shapes you
• How to hold your heart open to people when it’s easier to shut down
• What it means to keep your faith alive when you still have unmet needs in community

If you’ve ever felt, “Why do I feel so alone here?”  this conversation is for you. You’re not faithless for feeling lonely. You’re simply human, longing for the home your heart was made for.

🎙️ Subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes, and follow me on Instagram @melchanity for more encouragement and resources!

🎁 Sign up for my FREE mini-course on how to process your emotions God's way - without shutting down or spiraling.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Christian Woman's Journey to healing and identity in Christ. Here we break free from shame, striving, and self-doubt to walk in the freedom and intimacy with God that we were always meant to have. I'm Melissa Chan, a Christian emotional healing coach with a PhD in developmental psychology, and I have with me here today Jasmine Garcia. Woo.

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Woo.

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Y'all already know her.

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Wow.

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Can we get past the intro? We can keep it rolling. It's okay. It it, it's okay. It's okay. And, and it's okay because, uh, serving on worship, I've done that so many times. And you like when you bunk your, mouth into the thing, you kind of go like. Yes, yes. We just,

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you know.

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you know, yeah. We keep it moving. We keep it, yeah. The show must go on. Yeah. You can't, you can't look like you just conked your head into the mic, like my poor teeth. Our inner healing journeys have been so similar that we knew the Holy Spirit was asking us to walk this out together with y'all. If you've ever felt unseen, stuck, or like there's something wrong with you, you are not alone. We're right there with you. We're talking real emotions, real healing, and real Jesus. today we'll be talking about the irony of how you can be in the church and yet still feel very lonely. Mm. we will talk about why it's ironic, and why it. Hurts so deeply. I think even more so than maybe being in another community and you feel disconnected. And finally some tangible ways to bridge the disconnect. Why is it such a paradox? Like my mind, I'm like, I can't compute. Why would I feel lonely in church? I know, especially when church is a place where we should feel like we belong and where we should feel like it's home. The thing that sticks out the most is the terminology that we use in the church. The jargon. phrases like brother and sister, the family of God. and sometimes. When that doesn't translate in the way that we are showing up in the spaces and the way that we are interacting with others and the way that others are interacting with us, it could create that disconnect. Yeah. I think there's almost this expectation that, you know, in the world we might feel disconnected as Christians. Because we're in the world, but not of it. So if I'm not deeply connected to my non-Christian friends. I think my brain can explain it away and say, oh, it's because of difference of faith. But then that terminology, this is the family of God. Yes. We're in our father's house and all that stuff. And when we think family, even if my family is in ruins, right? Or if your family is in ruins, there's this, comforting connotation when we use family. The phrases that can be said in church things like, come as you are, and it's almost like this, oh, I'm gonna be accepted into this beautiful family and they're gonna just love me. Right. but then the reality sometimes doesn't match what the connotations are generating. Like growing up in a Hispanic household, it's like ride or die, even if they're wrong to a detriment, like the crazy uncle, we still got your back. You know? When we grow up in an environment like that, and family's huge in our upbringing, When we come into a community where we're designed to grow into that amongst each other, it can feel a little jarring when it's not That case. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've been in church community where people do hang out with each other outside of church or I've been invited mm-hmm. To like Thanksgiving dinners and stuff like that. I'm always thankful for that. Definitely. But sometimes I still feel disconnected. despite being invited into this beautiful setting. And I've always wondered why why do I still leave feeling very empty. Is it, my expectations are unrealistic? I went through a season of thinking that there was something wrong with me that like I was being too stubborn maybe, or something along those lines. Like, why is this loneliness persisting? So let's talk about why it hurts even more in the church setting. cause you know, on a Sunday we go and we come expectantly, we come expectant to experience God and to experience God in community, but I felt like there would be this disconnect between that expectation, that longing for connection with God and with other people. And then what would happen on a typical Sunday, which might be turn to your neighbor and say Hello, and then we're talking about the weather and we're hanging out near the snacks and the coffee. I always just felt like this doesn't feel like deep connection. I wanted to ask you a question, you were saying how you went through a season where you navigated all these questions What was something that in the process that you came to realize do you feel like God brought some clarity to that? Yeah. I think that kind of goes into our next point as well. what are some of the reasons for that loneliness feeling? Mm. Especially in the church context. There's multiple factors at play. I can't pinpoint one singular thing. I think in a season where I was much more unhealed compared to now, i've alluded to a lot of childhood trauma. I never really had a sense of community or family growing up. My family's very small. It was just my mom and me and then my grandma in the mix. And it was just us three. Holidays, it was very sad. We didn't really do much. Mm-hmm. We never really celebrated like anything Chinese New

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Chinese New

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Year, we would cook a dinner, we would sit down. But yeah I just never really felt the warmth of a family. It led to. This unrealistic expectation or a longing, like what I didn't get in childhood, I wanted in adulthood. So I was looking for it initially in friends. Mm-hmm. And in community. sometimes I would even kind of jokingly be like calling some of the older females, like mom or like older brothers, dad I was trying to cultivate the sense of family within the church cause I didn't have that growing up. The more aware I was of that lack that I had growing up, and as a result, what I was doing to try to get what I didn't have. that coupled with, deepening my intimacy with God and truly feeling him and experiencing him as my father, I think that helped a lot, but it didn't eliminate the loneliness. One of those reasons is the childhood trauma and this feeling of I desired this. I didn't get it, so let me get it now. I think the other reasons might be the church culture itself. so like I was saying, on a given Sunday, there's almost like the script, you know, we have announcements, we turn to our neighbors, greet one another, but you definitely can't cultivate a deep connection in those split seconds when you're greeting each other. and then you worship, you listen to the message and then everybody just breaks up into little pears and groups and eat good food or snacks or whatever and maybe go eat somewhere. Maybe go eat somewhere too. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of hanging out. But I don't think that on a given Sunday that it is typical for people to have deep end conversations. I think what we talked about last time with people pleasing, if you see that the culture is everyone's showing up strong, very spiritual or serving to the max and you're struggling inside, you don't want to be viewed as the negative Nancy. You don't wanna be the person that is always struggling, and so you just kind of go with the cultural norm. Mm-hmm. and that creates a sense of loneliness as well. Yeah. yeah. sometimes I would go in feeling lonely and then I would leave church even after, like hanging out with people. I would leave feeling worse than when I had even gone into church. Wow. Was it like the conversations that you were having like,

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what

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was it exactly that made you feel depleted? Mm-hmm. I think it was the conversations, people just tend to go on autopilot. and it's safer to just make jokes and to, just keep it surface level. yeah. You know, me, even when that would happen, sometimes I would be the little wrench, you know, and just kind of throw in Hey, I am struggling, and sometimes it was heard, sometimes it wasn't. It was kind of brushed over. but I could feel the disruption of the cultural norm. Do you feel like sometimes there were moments where it wasn't so much of a disruption, but it was almost like, oh wait, you kind of awaken, more vulnerability amongst these circles. Yeah. That, that's happened before. And to say that it's normative though, like is that the culture? No. It did happen once in a while. Mm. And I'd be very thankful and pleasantly surprised. I go in with expectant hope that something like that would happen. but I don't go in demanding it. during that season where I was a bit more healed and God had brought to my realization that I was operating from a place of trauma and seeking out something in the church community that I didn't have growing up, but I was putting all of these hopes and dreams and expectations on a community, and they're not going to fulfill all of those hopes and dreams. It's God ultimately, who is going to fill me. So as that started happening more and more, I was like, okay, well I still feel disconnected. I still feel very lonely. I feel this deep intimacy with Jesus. And yet I'm still disconnected from the church. But you know what? I can't control the culture. I can't control other people and how they respond. But what I can do is say, holy Spirit, however you want to partner with me, direct me to someone who needs Depth and connection as much as I do. Yeah. And so that's what I would do every single Sunday. sometimes, God would kind of highlight certain people or I would ask questions that go beyond How are you, you know? I do remember you saying like, how are you really feeling today? Mm-hmm. Well, because, because our automatic response and someone says, how are you? Is like, good. I'm doing fine. Fine. Yeah, fine. and then, I got really good at just reading people, that's something that I did a lot in childhood. It was like you either had to read people accurately or you got punished. It was just a trauma response turned into a skill. And so when I would be at church, I just automatically would read people's body language. Their tone. Yeah. Their facial expression. So if there was a mismatch between what they were saying with what I was feeling, then I would say like, okay, well, um, that's great. How are you really doing? Because it might just be me, but I am sensing, I feel I'm sensing. a sadness or tension or stress or whatever it is. I think that's very beautiful that you did that. And I think I've been on the recipient end of that I am pretty vulnerable and I'm pretty open, so it's not like I don't tell you but it's nice to be a recipient and be like, how are you really doing? Or like, I'm sensing a little bit more than what you're saying. So then it gives the person on the receiving end the opportunity to open up a little bit more. I think about our relationship with God. Ideally, we're spending time with the Lord Daily. And so that builds intimacy and it's building that trust, it's building a friendship. It's building, our ability to be even more vulnerable and more honest. And sometimes the disconnection happens because Sundays tend to seem like a one day event. when

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we

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desire these fulfilling and deep relationships, but we're not actually reaching out to one another on a daily or weekly basis. More frequently throughout the week. We're just seeing each other on the day off. Yeah. So there's not an opportunity to actually deepen those relationships. We'll find ourselves feeling disconnected and even feeling lonely because, the only time that we actually ask each other how we're doing is on a Sunday. Mm-hmm. Or at a church event, or like bible study if we have young one. Yeah. We're bringing certain things that we're struggling with or we're trying to process or we're trying to navigate to the Lord on a consistent basis. and I think that it would be so beautiful if that gap was bridged too and we would be able to, feel that connection, There seems to be that disconnect. I think it, it does have to do with Frequency, and I know we've talked about the sacrificial type of love that God does call us into. Talk about that a little bit more, that sacrificial love and what it looks like in a community context. have a generosity issue, just in general where we live at, and how that kind of bleeds into the church culture. For those who are viewing, who are not in la we're actually surprised. We're in la we're, we're a Los Angeles. Melissa's a transplant. I'm born and raised Los Angeles. Maybe you think about it, like this city kind of has a rep for like, we all kind of do our own thing. It's a very transient city. people come and go very easily it's very independently driven, very me focused. God does talk about community and loving each other, in a sacrificial way. there are bible verses that talk about, like, there just say you love someone, like actually show them that you love them. the disconnection that happens is

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we're communicating

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in a certain way, but our actions are not matching, what we're actually saying. in a community context, and I'm saying this from someone that is growing in this, what God has highlighted to me is that it's a generosity issue. Generosity isn't just a financial thing, it's also a time thing. like, how much time am I going to invest in a person or group of people? We have to address the heart and the mindset. Last time we talked about people pleasing And how we can be engaging in all of the right behaviors, but it's coming from the place of I have to earn something. or maybe it's a trauma response. so what I've seen is, a community might be engaging in community behaviors, maybe reaching out and asking, what are your prayer requests? And they might pray with you over the phone. this is a loving act. However, are they doing it just because this is ministry and it's required of them and they want to please God? Or do they see the person that they're tending to for who they are, the way that God sees them? Not only can I read people like what they might be feeling sometimes, not all the times, like I said, this is coming out of a trauma response and I think God is reshaping. but sometimes I can sense where their heart is at in it. Yeah. I don't necessarily assume, I just kind of pocket it and I might ask, questions of curiosity about it. but sometimes, I have been on the receiving end of people doing all the right things, reaching out, asking me, about my week. But it feels as if their mind is somewhere else and their heart is somewhere else. I don't know if they're distracted or if they're even going through the motions of like, as a ministry leader or as a fellow brother or sister in Christ. This is what is expected of me. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. or even sometimes, we see a friend going through a difficult time and we have this belief or this desire that I want to be a good friend. Well, what does a good friend do? A good friend would do X, Y, and Z. And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that, but If the heart or the focus is more on, okay, this is my goal, to be a good Christian, to be a good friend, to be a good community member. If that's the focus, then it doesn't, I would argue even matter what the behaviors are because the person who's receiving the behaviors, they're not necessarily receiving the love of God. They're receiving just the. The behaviors themselves. But if you truly see someone, you take the time to understand them, their pain, their struggles, how it affects'em, because we're so different from one another. The way that you experience you own emotions is very different than my experience of those very same emotions. Our physiology is different, our upbringing is different. Our experiences are different. So we have to take the time to truly understand them and see the way that they hurt and why they hurt that way, and how they feel that hurt. basically see them through the lens of God. And that doesn't always necessarily happen. And I think that's the heartbreaking part. I always tell the Lord I don't. Wanna just do something to do it. I don't wanna do it out of an, I have to. cause I truly believe that people can feel that. I think that we can operate with an internal grumble if we're constantly doing, acts of service or reaching out to people, because it is what is expected of us. Or if we don't do said thing, then what are people gonna think of us? That's why it's very important, as we've talked about emotions, we've talked about people pleasing to really, do the inner work. to bridge that gap and tear down, some of the ways that we show up in community that can perpetuate that spiritual loneliness. Because that can make someone feel like a burden unintentionally. Yeah. Absolutely. And then there's also this nuance too, and what I had experienced as well, which is

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my

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identity is firmly established in Christ, and I am seeking God daily. I am meeting with him in the secret place very intimately. Like I know his voice. Yeah. And I I consider him my best friend. He's my, like, go-to the only consistent one in my life. I can be doing that and also intentionally reaching out to people, checking in, being intentional on a Sunday, going against the culture of, church performance or just surface level stuff. I did all of that. Yeah. And I yearned for deeper connections with people. And you could be doing all of that. And it's not from a place of trauma. You could be doing all the right things From the right place and still feel lonely. That was hard. Yeah. I wanted to hear a little bit more about that from your end. cause you're doing all the right things. You are being intentional. You have this enriching time with the Lord, you're showing up and something still feels off. To the listener they might be like, but why? There might be a confusion, like, what's happening? there has to be a reason why, mm-hmm. I think the assumption is if I do all the right things, then it should solve the issue. The loneliness should go away, right? Yeah. That's the expectation. I think that's why when that doesn't happen, it's so jarring and it makes you kind of spiral in a way. Like, what am I doing wrong? Am I not doing something enough? Is my heart not pure enough? Am I not as firmly established in my identity in Christ as I should be? Like my mind was just like. I don't get it, Yeah. am I not content? Am I ungrateful? Do I not feel like are enough? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And so we're wrestling with that. Yeah. and we're wondering why we're, we're feeling a little bit empty, I had a lot of conversations with God where I would ask him, am I being too idealistic? Am I being ungrateful? what is leading to. This loneliness persisting. because I felt as if I shouldn't be lonely because of everything that I was doing from a place that I felt like was honoring God. and what God had spoken to me was that yes, the church is a reflection of God's love, but the church isn't the fullness of God's love. Meaning the church is imperfect because it's made up of imperfect individuals.

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The

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the kingdom of God is the here and now and the not yet at the same time. Like, you know, the Lord's Prayer, it's talking about bring heaven down to earth, right? Yes. That's the prayer. and on this side of heaven, we have the privilege of being able to experience a little bit of heaven, a little bit of God's love in a broken world. But we don't get to experience the fullness of it. There's a peace that's already here. And it's growing on the daily as we continue to deny ourselves and carry the cross daily and be made more in his likeness. However, we're never going to reach completion on this side of heaven. It's not until we get to heaven. Right. So I think that's the same thing with community. Community is imperfect. it is a place where. It says that non-believers will know the love of God by the love that we have for one another. For one another. And that's because right here on Earth, in this broken place, we are embodying the love of God. It's not the fullness of his love, but we embody a piece of it. And it grows and grows as we continue to get sanctified. Exactly. We're maturing in that love, right? Yeah. But it's never complete. So I think sometimes we feel that loneliness. It's like longing for the other side of heaven, right? Yes. So I don't think that there's necessarily anything wrong if someone feels. Lonely and they're still in good fellowship with God and with other people. I think that's what we were doing. We were setting up the foundation. we were saying, ideally, this is how it can be in certain, church environments. we were saying, things that we have encountered. and then we're also talking about the real longing, the innate longing that we were created for community and communion, not just with God, but with others. You're saying like, it's. Like this feeling of loneliness. It's okay. You're saying it's normal. Mm-hmm. Like nothing is wrong with you for feeling a longing and

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a

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loneliness within community. it's actually because we're not on the other side of heaven yet. It's one possibility that could be one possibility. Right. And I think that's the tricky thing about this. when I hear that someone feels alone or empty in a church community, I don't know the why behind it. it's really easy for people to assume. Oh, you're feeling lonely because you're not being intentional, you're feeling lonely because you're isolating yourself, you're feeling lonely because surely your identity isn't in Christ. but. I think that there's this other possibility where your identity is in Christ and you are intentional in all these sorts of things, and yet you still feel that loneliness. The only way to know what's the reason behind it, is to wrestle with God and conversing him. Exactly. I think it's in Psalm 1 39, where King David ask God, search me God and know me. know my anxious thoughts and see if there's any offensive way in me. I had to bring it to the, the table over and over again with Jesus. And say, this loneliness is persisting. Is there something that I am doing wrong? Is there something in my heart that is idolizing, community or connection over and above you? like, what's happening? Why do I feel this aloneness? And it was through that wrestling, through those continual conversations and pruning and refining that. God's voice became so clear and he was like, well, you are being intentional. You are running to me and you're spending time in the secret place with me. Yeah. And I love that. The thing is that on this side of heaven, it's not gonna be perfect. Life isn't gonna be easy. You will feel lonely, and that's okay, because that's a human experience. But even in that loneliness, I can have hope. I love that. You left me thinking about the groaning within ourselves. That just, that happens. Yeah. As we've come from death to life and then longing for. The life that we will have in Christ in eternity. In moments where I have felt lonely and I've done that, bringing it to the table with the Lord I recognize like some of the hard questions that I've had to ask myself are like, Am I nourishing the relationships that God has entrusted me? Like those are some real deal questions. Like I am longing for something deeper, or there's a disconnect in the way that I feel like the relationships that are in my life mm-hmm. Are showing up in this season and I'm needing a little bit more. Am I vocalizing it? Have I done the work of watering and nurturing those relationships so that in said season when I am in need, for these relationships to show up in a certain capacity, then I feel like I've done that. But that's also been the refining process of having those real conversations and then there's some pivoting that needs to happen if I realize, Hey, you know what, I actually haven't been. nurturing the relationships in a way where I'm cultivating a deeper intimacy, And so I have to take steps to recalibrate and have intentional conversations with people that I want to have these deeper connections with. yeah, I like that you brought up that you need to communicate your need to people. if you feel disconnected and it is a relationship where you want to grow that connection in mm-hmm. Or you feel called to do that even, and the need needs to be vocalized. and then on the receiving end, they need to be able to receive it without feeling like it's a personal attack. I've seen that too, where. I might be vocalizing Hey, I feel disconnected. Or I don't feel supported, and the response might be, what do you want from me? I'm already giving you time. I'm already giving this and that and blah, blah, blah. I can definitely communicate it in a way that's seasoned in grace and gentle. Right. It's not to talk the person, it's not to say that I don't appreciate you. I do, I can appreciate you and the effort that you put in and the degree of intentionality and still have this unmet need. Yeah. I've already gone to God for that deep. Unmet need. But then there's also this unmet need in the communal part, that I was trying to vocalize. it was hard to communicate that sometimes without discouraging people, making them feel like I give you my best, or out of all of my friends, I'm already, very intentional with you I've been on the receiving end of those sorts of conversations too, where someone might be telling me they want to connect with me more. They want to, have deeper conversations. And I don't necessarily take it as like, you're rating our friendship low then, you know, like, cause if someone asks for something more, it's almost like implying that there's this dissatisfaction. And I realized that that doesn't necessarily have to be the case. You can really enjoy the friendship or the connection as it is, and then you enjoy it so much or you care for that person so much that you also wanna grow it. Right. Yeah. but growing, necessitates looking at the places where we do need to grow it. So it will involve having these conversations where we layer pride to the side. And we listen to the person's needs. Let's say that my need was that I am very hungry, okay? Mm-hmm. Let's say like hungry, the actual, like literal hunger. and then I go to people and I tell them that, Hey, like, I need support. Yeah. I'm very hungry. And then their response is like. Okay, I got you here. I have extra clothes. It's like, thank you. I'm grateful that you are willing to give me your extra clothes. It's not my need right now, but I see your intentionality and I appreciate your heart and your willingness to give this to me. I might go to another person and say, Hey, I'm very hungry. I'm like starving. And let's say they give me water. It doesn't satiate me. if I were thirsty, then I would love this, but the problem is that's not my need. I appreciate them being willing to give me the water. I appreciate them sacrificing this water. it could have been water that they drink for themselves. Right. but they're giving it to me. And I, I cherish that. I'm like, wow, I'm so glad that you care for me enough to do this. Mm-hmm. But the need, my deep need, my hunger is still not satisfied. Just because you're good intentioned and you do sacrifice and you do all the right. Behaviors, but are you meeting that person's need? And I don't mean in a savior complex kind of way, but like in the way that God is leading you, are you meeting and hearing what their need is? Or are you assuming, or in default mode of, well, this is the only way I know how to support someone. This is the only way I know how to connect. So it's either that they're satisfied with this or they're not. And if they're not, then that's their problem. And then therefore we're not being stretched. a lot of it is our willingness to be stretched In a healthy way. I think also when we do the soul work, when we start healing, we start to look at our relational dynamics. The more that you heal and the more that you grow. The more that you wanna show up in the relationship in a healthier manner. Yeah. and then you do a lot of that self-reflection, like, how am I showing up for this friend? How are people showing up in the relationships Like, are they healthy? Are they not? Because you start to recognize unhealthy behaviors in your own life, and then you realize unhealthy behaviors within community and then within your close relationships. I like that you brought up that it takes the inner work that's the foundation, and I think that's a good bridge into talking about, how God invites us into belonging. Yeah. I think step one is to do the inner work with God. Yeah. Because once we have walked through really deep and difficult things mm-hmm. With God and he heals us and he loves us and he shows us compassion, given that we've received it, we can now pour it out. To others. Exactly. And it increases this desire of like, I got to experience God this way. I want to embody that to other people and point them to God. Exactly. I want them to experience the same thing that I did too. we can, transform and go from, doing the behavior because this is what we think we should be doing as good Christians or good friends. and instead. Turning to I just genuinely want to do this because this is how God has met me. It doesn't feel burdensome. There is sacrifice, but it doesn't feel burdensome. It's like this desire,, it burns in your heart. you start to see differently. You start to feel differently. kind of like how you were saying, like, I start to see the person the way that God does. that's the overflow of like. God has seen me. God has showered me in his love, and then now I feel like a little twinkle fairy, and I wanna make others feel like that kind of love. That's cute. Feel cherished in that way. Yeah. But that does come from how you're saying, just the overflow of receiving God's love, therefore we're able to pour that and lavish it on someone else. That reminds me, I had a conversation with a friend who asked me like, how can I be a better friend? and I was like, do you want the easy answer or do you want the truth? And she goes, just tell it to me like it is. I'm like, okay. Well, I mean, the easy answer would've been yeah, you can pray for me. You can. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Like, and I do need that. Yeah. but what I was needing in terms of community support was far more than prayer. I needed tangible support too, but the tangible support. Would require a lot of sacrifice. The specific support that I needed was for someone to not go into fix it mode for someone to not go into prayer warrior mode for someone to not go into spitting out scripture mode. Mm-hmm. And just sit with me for a bit. Yeah. hear what it is that I'm feeling, understand me, understand why I am feeling that, and maybe even feel those emotions with me. And then the prayer, and then the scripture, and then the encouragement, I think in sitting with someone, taking the time to hear them, you can get a better sense of what their need is. Because as I'm listening to someone, I'm also dialoguing with the Holy Spirit and asking, okay, what is it that they desire? Mm-hmm. What is it that their heart needs right now, and how do you wanna meet them? Mm-hmm. Through me. But it's not going to be this quick conversation. It's not gonna be me quoting my go-to scripture. Like I need to sit and discern with God as I listen to the other person. So when I told my friend, I was like, this question is giving rich, young ruler. for those who aren't familiar with that passage, this rich young ruler approaches Jesus and asks him, good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life? Jesus initially tells the rich young ruler what he wanted to hear. Yeah. Which is basically all of the things that the rich, younger ruler was already doing. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. But then it got to the part that was the sacrifice, the hard thing for the rich, young ruler to let go of, which is all of his riches, sell all that. And the rich young ruler went away. Sad. I can just imagine him coming, like, I'm fulfilling all these commandments, and doing all the righteous things, with love, Jesus answered him. Mm-hmm. Jesus wasn't like, yeah, I see you, bro. Like, I see you trying to like flex right now. He just wanna pat in the back. Yeah, exactly. No. Like, I think he understood, but I think Jesus was asking him will you stretch a little more? Yeah. Give me what hurts. know? Will you come in? cause you know, Jesus talks about come to me, all those who are wearing burden and I will give you rest. And it talks about learning from Jesus he's asking him to follow him, to learn from him, to learn his way of loving. not just like meeting the status quo. I think that's why you're saying it.'cause it's like he was meeting

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the

Episode 5 - Loneliness AUDIO: 35:41

requirements, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. and so it's giving rich, young ruler because a lot of us is like, oh yeah, we're doing all the right things. Mm-hmm. But what if instead of just calling we would go the extra mile. Mm-hmm. In the sacrificial love, like really doing something that's like

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costly.

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When we're loving people. Well, yeah. And we do have to count the cost. before we commit to saying yes. That's how I was presenting it to my friend. It's giving rich young ruler, here's why. This is what I desire and I think what I do need, I have this from God where he listens to me without judgment. He's very patient and he takes the time to affirm what it is that I'm feeling. And then we kind of work through it together. I desire a version of that in community. It does not take the place of this process that I have with Jesus. But if the church is supposed to be a reflection of the love of Christ,

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then

Episode 5 - Loneliness AUDIO: 36:33

there needs to be some version of that reflected in our relationships with one another. Yeah. Showing up in that way and letting our yes. Be yes and our no be no. Yeah. In the context of loving people Well yeah. And committing and seeing it through In a way that will transform and change the person that's receiving that type of love. And being honest with ourselves about what we can and cannot do. Yeah. Because I do have a lot of friends who want to be there for me, and I can see it. I can see their love, their care, their intentionality in the ways that they know how, and I am appreciative of that. the question is. Are you willing to challenge yourself? Go just a little bit more that second mile I kind of pose it to them as a question and I'm not upset with them. If they say no, I'd rather they honestly tell me like, girl, that's just too much for me right now. That's, that's fine. Because I always have Jesus to lean on. but this desire that I have for community to support me in this way and in other ways too, that's still gonna be a continual desire that I lift up to God. Yeah. I'm gonna contend for it in faith and in hope. The desire for connection is a god-given desire. We were made for community. community with God. community with one another. That's why Bible verses a lot of them are blah, blah, blah, one another. Right. these commands, what did you say? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. One another First Timothy, um, two.

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No,

Episode 5 - Loneliness AUDIO: 38:03

No, I'm just kidding. Please. This is blasphemy.

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You are

Episode 5 - Loneliness AUDIO: 38:07

just being cute and silly. It's okay. Yeah. Anyhow, the desire for connection is not a bad desire. Don't villainize it. it is a God-given desire. Now, Where do we look for the fulfillment of that desire? and do we desire community connection over and above God? Well, that's where it would get into idolatry. But if we don't desire it over and above God and is one of those things where you do deeply desire, but you are content with God, you can be content with God and still contend in faith and in prayer. For this thing that you desire, this God given desire. And in the meantime, as you're contending in faith and believing in hope, you will likely still feel loneliness because, hope deferred makes the heart sick. I do believe that hope deferred does make the heart sick, and you will experience that loneliness. but you are planting, when you're contending, you are planting those seeds. and there will be a time where you'll be able to reap the harvest of meaningful relationships. It will come. we've both seen that in our lives where we've been able to experience that. Just because it's not here right now doesn't mean that it's always gonna be that way. Yeah. God is the God of suddenly and God is the God of process as well. And so Exactly. I think, just believing in childlike faith that God knows the desires of your heart. He sees you, he loves you. He's a good father who wants to give his children good gifts and especially this a God given desire. for community. That is something that God will answer. It might not be what I anticipate or what I expect per se, but I know that God is going to wow me. Yeah. And also like even reframing it a little bit, like I love that you said don't villainize it. Mm-hmm. a lot of times

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we

Episode 5 - Loneliness AUDIO: 40:01

throw around where it's like idolatry it puts a negative connotation to such a God-given desire That it strips away the beauty of it in the waiting. That's what we don't want to happen. But in the waiting, you're experiencing what it feels like to feel Loneliness. And so there's this looking within ourselves, but then God gives us opportunities to understand and be able to identify that loneliness in someone else. And then we can better serve others. and we have opportunities to be like, you know what? I've experienced loneliness and I know how devastating that can feel.

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And

Episode 5 - Loneliness AUDIO: 40:35

so now I can show up in a way with those around me where I can. Bridge that gap in a better way. So that the person on the receiving end would feel less lonely. Yeah.'cause you've experienced that loneliness. Amen. All right. Well thank you y'all for joining us today. And, if this episode resonated with you or if you thought of a friend who can really benefit from listening to this, then please send it to them. follow a podcast, follow me on ig at Melissa Chan coaching and join us next time. Until then, keep it real with real emotions, real healing, and real Jesus. Bye y'all. Bye.

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Bye y'all.