The Christian Women's Journey to Healing & Identity in Christ | Faith-Based Emotional Healing

I thought I was failing at healing, but here’s what God showed me

• Abba Inner Healing • Season 1 • Episode 7

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If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “Why am I STILL struggling with this?” - this conversation is for you.

We open up about the heartbreak of feeling like we're back at square one in our healing process and the surprising ways God meets us there. We explore what real healing looks like when it’s messy, cyclical, and slower than we expected... and how the Holy Spirit gently leads us through the process with compassion, not condemnation.

During this episode, we unpack:

  • The myth that healing should always be moving forward
  • What to do when old coping tools stop working
  • How to recognize growth even in the middle of triggers
  • Why nervous system takes longer to heal than the mind
  • How to reframe setbacks as God’s invitations to deeper freedom

This episode will help you breathe again, release the pressure to “get it right,” and recognize that you’re not failing. You're simply in the healing process.

🎙️ Subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes, and follow me on Instagram @melchanity for more encouragement and resources!

🎁 Sign up for my FREE mini-course on how to process your emotions God's way - without shutting down or spiraling.

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Here we break free from shame, self-doubt, and striving to walk in the freedom and intimacy with Christ that we were always meant to have. I'm Melissa Chan, a Christian emotional healing coach with a PhD in developmental psychology, and today we have Jasmine Garcia joining us. Woo woo. She is a good friend and a trusty co-host. Our inner healing journeys have been so similar that we found it clear that the Holy Spirit wanted us to walk this out together with y'all so we don't show up here as women who have it all figured out. I think you can guys know by now. But instead we show up as a woman who are healing in real time and sharing vulnerably along the way. If you've ever felt unseen, stuck, or like there's something wrong with you, rest assured you're not alone. We're right there with you. We're talking

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real

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emotions,

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real healing

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Jesus and

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the

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real Jesus. Oh my

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goodness.

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You got it? I got it. Ooh, yay.

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Do you guys ever feel stuck in your healing? Have you tried just about everything and do you still feel triggered?

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And

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you feel like everything you're doing isn't working? In today's episode, we're gonna bring light to what the journey of healing really is. The obstacles to that healing and overcoming those obstacles that lead to freedom in Christ.

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Sounds like a good episode to me. Whether it's physical healing or emotional healing, we have this assumption that. once I choose to heal and I put in the work, I put in the time.

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Mm-hmm.

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You know, whether it's like PT

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or

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emotional healing, going to therapy or something, then the expectation is, I should get progressively better. There shouldn't be like a going backwards. I shouldn't feel worse. Yeah. But that's just not the reality.

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Yeah. Sometimes, instead of, feeling more pleasant feelings, they've overcome something or they feel like they're making progress, they'll sometimes feel that fatigue.

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So not only is it that we have this expectation of how healing should go, like a gradual increase over time, we kind of assume that healing brings about a destination. But the healing itself isn't proof of progress. The healing is the process. And we always say that God is the God of process. are a couple of examples where healing can look non-linear. for instance, sometimes in a particular season mm-hmm. We start to see progress and we're healing in an area that has had this stronghold in our life for so long. We're like, yes, this is amazing. Right? We kind of have everything figured out. We know what we're doing, and then all of a sudden, this same area that we used to struggle in

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it

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comes back. Somehow, and the tools that served us in overcoming that area of struggle, those tools no longer work. at that point we might start to think, oh, wait, what happened? Like, am I doing this healing thing wrong? Or maybe I never healed from this in the first place because why am I even feeling, upset? Or why am I still getting triggered?

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And I think sometimes it's hard cause when you're in the moment, it feels You've kind of hit a wall. It's kind of hard to take a step back and feel like, oh, I'm still healing, you know? And this is still progress because it feels like you're stuck. It's kind of hard to get out and like really see like, oh, this is just part of the healing process. You actually feel like, man, I've actually, back where I was. Because you experience like very similar feelings to maybe when you first started your healing journey. it's hard to of get out of that and kind of look at it from like an aerial view and be like, oh, you know, this is part of the process. And although it doesn't seem like it. I am stronger than before. I have made progress. Even if it feels difficult in the moment.

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God puts those walls in that process for a purpose.

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What would you say those purposes are?

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Well, I mean, I'm not God,

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but,

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I think God puts those walls in for a purpose because there's yet another layer to heal. and, you know, we've, we've heard about healing being in layers like an onion. I, you know me, I hate these sayings that are just so like common and cheesy. It really, it makes me cringe inside. But you know what? This

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really,

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I Yeah,

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they

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make you cringe.

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They do. Yeah.

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I kind of like them.

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I,

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That's that's on brand girl. I'm just kidding. To each their own. Um, but no, the reason why I don't like them is because they're overstated and over generalized I think. I see. Yeah. But in this case, there is, more than a grain of truth in the fact that healing happens in layers and healing is like a onion. Because it feels like, you work through. This layer and that one layer takes so much time, effort, tears, struggles and you're like, yes, we've overcome this. I feel good. I'm, reconciled with God. You feel like you're walking in a new level of freedom and then as you're walking you're like, do, do. And then all of a sudden there's another, there's a wall that comes up and there's that new layer and it's the same root issue and you're like, why am I still struggling with the same root issue? I thought we already did this thing, God, like why we back here?

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It's like hard for us to draw the connections of it's the same root issue, but now it's bleeding into, a different situation.

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Mm-hmm.

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When I've been in those moments, I'm like. I don't, I almost, I, I feel like I, I don't know if it's romanticized, but

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I, I have these moments where I'm like, I'm so free. I feel so good. I'm like, walking on sunshine, you know? It feels amazing. And then all of a sudden, something will happen and, and it's like I encounter very similar trigger, And I'm like, wait, hold up. Kind of sucks a lot, you know? I don't wanna, I don't wanna do this anymore.

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Just a little bit, guy. Just, it sucks. Just a little bit. Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I don't wanna keep doing this.

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We're not saying this to discourage people from healing. In some weird way now that I've walked through so many different layers of healing through the, same thing. there is a bit of tiredness that happens, but there's also this like excitement of like, ooh, like God has brought me into this new level of healing we've leveled up and we're trying to overcome people pleasing, you know, like, it's almost like a video game to me. Really? I'm like, I'm like fighting the next boss level. I'm still human. It still sucks too. I'm,

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I'm, I'm,

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I'm also seeing that, but if we were to look at it through spiritual lens too the human part of ourself is like, oh,

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oh,

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this is so hard. I don't wanna go through this again. Like, how much more, how much longer God. Mm-hmm. And then there's also this part of me that's like, wow. Like God is gonna bring me into deeper levels of healing, deeper levels of freedom. And that makes me excited. Even though I do feel the grueling nature

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of

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it, I think that when I can intellectualize it, I can see the fruit that's gonna come from it.

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Mm-hmm.

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There's hope in it.

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Yeah.

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But the initial thing is like, this really sucks. Because there's so many things that come up. It is not just like, I'm gonna level up like I'm learning new. You know what I mean? It's like, man, like I feel so weak. Mm-hmm.

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Not

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just in God's presence, but in the presence of other people.

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Yeah.

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And sometimes, it's hard to be weak in front of others. The temptation that can stop the healing is, other people begin to see that weakness and you know that the way to more healing is to continue to be weak and to continue to be vulnerable. There's a crossroads at that moment. Am I going to care about being perceived as weak or am I going to lean in into the new fruit that God wants to. Produc in me and then keep moving forward. Even if it feels like I'm falling apart in the moment.'cause it's like a new layer being peeled,

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yeah. The process that you talked about, it reminds me of the mind body disconnect. There's healing of our mind Where we can change our mindset. Let's say forgiveness. Let's, let's use that as an example. Yeah. I've forgiven someone and I genuinely do forgive them. Mm-hmm. I don't hold this offense over them. When I look at them, I don't associate them with that offense. But the body and the, physical brain actually holds onto memories and feelings a lot longer than the mind.

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So

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the mind, you can easily switch and arrive at a genuine place of forgiveness, but the body is still holding on to how that offense felt. So it's very possible to be around that person that you have truly forgiven, but you still feel unsafe. Your body tenses up. And some people who are very aware of the sensory stuff and what's happening physiologically, they might start to think. Well, I thought I've forgiven this person. Why do I feel so unsafe? Why can't I trust them? Why don't I wanna be around them if I've truly forgiven them? Shouldn't all those things

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be,

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aligned with the mindset of forgiveness?

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Last week we talked about neuroplasticity, and it's kind of in relation to that. Mm-hmm. It's like every time it feels like we're taking a step back or we've hit a wall or, the path doesn't feel like you're progressing it's, another opportunity to rewire the brain. Say you encounter something, your body, like you're saying, your body is feeling similar responses, but then you're gonna rewire your brain because now you've been given an opportunity. that's when the true healing happens, and the true freedom from the root causes happen because you are positioning yourself to say, you know what, I'm gonna respond differently in this time. You have a different way of seeing it, that you didn't have before. That's why I think, although it's painful and you might feel like you're stuck or like you're hitting a wall or, man, I'm dealing with this over and over. Like, when are we gonna be over this? it really is, God giving you the opportunity to rewire you're brain so that your body can catch up to the progress that's happening in your mind.

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Yeah. I would add on to that. Rewiring the mind and also integrating mind, body, soul. That's why it's a process. Can you imagine if god's like, okay, let's have a one and done thing. It would be the most intense, excruciating experience if I were to compile all my like seasons of healing all the different layers

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into

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one compact expedited healing process. It wouldn't even compare to what job went through. It would supersede what job went through, you know, it would be so intense and so excruciating. And I think God knows that we as humans can't handle that. So he lovingly and patiently just allows us to experience this gradually in a process. God doesn't rush transformation, because he's not after just behavior modification So what would you say are some of the obstacles that we might face when it comes to the healing process?

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Recognizing

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the

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emotions that are coming up. And there were three main emotions that I felt like God was highlighting to me. The first one was frustration Like,

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why

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am I the only one struggling this way? We can recognize

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that

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we are frustrated with our healing journey when we start to question

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why.

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For the second one, I feel like the Lord had highlighted

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despair

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and hopelessness. and the language that maybe you guys can identify is like absolutes. Like I will never, or I will always respond in this way.

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Mm.

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You

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know? Yeah. That's a common thing. Yeah. Have you guys

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done

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that? I know i'm guilty of that. We talked about it before, black and white thinking.

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Yeah.

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speaking in absolutes as part of that black and white thinking.

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Exactly. Then also fear, like what if statements? Like, what if I never overcome this? What if I always operate out of this place? What if I always struggle with this one thing?

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Yeah. I think all of those emotions stem from this pressure to heal the right way. I'm using like quotes, air quotes for that. Yeah. And this thought that healing has to be done a certain way it's almost like applying perfectionism to healing. if we expect to arrive at a certain place, if we expect healing to constantly progress, if we expect that it would be easy if we just put in the time and the effort almost like an equation, if I put in x, Y should come out, and when it doesn't happen that way, we start to feel shame, whether it's because, we feel like we haven't done it right or not doing it enough, or maybe. like, what if I am so, deeply broken

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That

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I can't be healed once you start reaching that point,

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it

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almost feels like your efforts are futile. Why even heal?

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It's so interesting that you brought up the word shame I think it's rooted in comparison.

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We

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take our eyes off of The journey that the Lord has us, and we start to compare our journey to other people's journey. I for sure have been

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stuck

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in that trap I start to be like, man, this person just seems to have it all together. They don't struggle with this, they don't struggle with that. or just even feeling like,

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man,

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I, I wish I, I wasn't exposed to x, y, and Z things as a child,

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I

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probably wouldn't struggle in the way that I do. And so then it starts to steal from my process and my journey with the Lord. And it brings that shame that you're talking about. Mm-hmm. It brings the pressure

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to

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get it right. By a certain timeframe. In a certain way.

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There's

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so many parameters that are brought up when we

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lift

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our eyes and we look at other people's journeys. And we feel like they're better off than we are

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in

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terms of the healing journey, they have it more together, or they're more refined than we are, they're more transformed

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or

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sanctified

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Yeah.

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in certain areas, you know?

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A

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story in the Bible that reminds me of that is the story of when Peter's being restored, and Jesus starts to prophesy over Peter and he looks over at John. He's like, what about him?

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Yep.

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Like, what's going to, what's gonna happen with him? You know?

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Mm-hmm. Your favorite Jesus.

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Exactly.

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Exactly. And, and he's so sweetly looks and he's like, why are you so worried about him?

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Stay in your lane, bro. Said in the sweetest,

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most

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most endearing way.

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I like how you, you're,

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you

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got the hood talk today.

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We're not using the ESB,

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or the, NIV today.

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we're using the Hood Melissa translation.

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That story has come up for me many times. In different seasons of my life, but I think it's come up to me in my healing journey as a reminder of Like, why are you so worried about what I'm doing with them? He's, he's telling me in such a kind and loving way.

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Comparison is a major factor. I think the other one is also in our vertical relationship with God. If we see God in a way that's inaccurate, like for instance, if we have this misunderstanding that God is demanding something from us, or that we have to get things together in order to approach him,

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healing

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becomes more about the end result

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than

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it is about the process.

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And

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healing doesn't feel safe

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even

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with God because of our misunderstanding of who he is and how we relate to him. There's a lot of lies that the enemy likes to feed us. I think one of them is, if I'm really healed

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then

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I wouldn't feel this way anymore. it's almost this assumption that if we are truly healed in this area,

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we

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won't feel any triggers related to that area,

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but

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the truth is you can still be triggered and be healing at the same time. Do you wanna talk about what that might look like? Or do you have personal experiences?

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You know, I was, I honestly, I was gonna,'cause I've, I've never heard it be phrased that way. Mm-hmm.

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I

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thought it was actually very beautifully versed, so I was like, I wanted to kind of just like hear the thought process behind that. I've definitely experienced that. It feels like I'm right back in the beginning.

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Yeah. Only we're not exactly, we're not right back at the beginning so if we get triggered again, but we had made some progress with God in healing in that particular area. I'll use myself as an example.

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Yeah.

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People pleasing. Yeah. It's been an ongoing journey for me. I was the epitome of people pleasing. I would make myself small all the time to the point where if I go to a friend's place

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and

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they offer me something to drink or something to eat, I could literally be starving or like dying of thirst. And I'm like, no, it's okay. I'm good. And then I'm thinking, why did I say that? Like, I'm so thirsty right

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now.

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That's actually why I carry water with me.

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You have your water

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pump. I have my own water

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because

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I don't wanna impede on someone else's water. and I'm like why am I doing this? so that was just how extreme my people pleasing was. I also didn't know who I was.

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Mm-hmm.

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I

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kind of let other people's reactions

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dictate

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how I would respond and who I am. And every interaction felt like. There was all these possible landmines

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that

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I could accidentally step on. God had actually given me this, vision, to show me how I was navigating the world. And I saw myself in the corner of this room and I was just sitting down, like curled up in a little ball in the furthest corner of the room to the door is just filled with mousetraps. And I can't get out. I'm like stuck in the corner because I'm so paralyzed. I realized that when it came to social interactions, that's exactly how I felt. One wrong move. And I set off, a mouse trap I felt like I had to stay stuck. I had to be small. I had to just be as invisible as possible. and bend at the whim and will of other people. that's my starting off point, do I still struggle with people pleasing? Yes, I do. but it looks different I

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revisit

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people pleasing

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with a

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a new lens. With more maturity

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than

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I did when I started out.

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I worked at a residential housing program with, homeless, pregnant women. And

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when

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I first started working there, like everything would make me cry. Like having hard conversations would make me cry. Like I would just, my body would be triggered at all times. I would have to have Accountability conversations with the women.

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And that was the hardest thing for me.

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I was good at showing up and being present and stuff, but when it came to having those hard conversations, And feeling like, man, they're gonna perceive me in this way, or they're gonna think about me in this certain light, they're gonna say things about me

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behind

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my back it was centered around how I was being perceived.

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and

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Being misunderstood as like lacking love and compassion, I just remember I would go in and

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I

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would talk to my supervisor we would have weekly check-ins and I would always break down i'd be like, I suck at this. Like, I'm not good at this. Like, this sucks. I'm so bad at this job.

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I

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just dunno how to do this. being assertive, like doing all that stuff just feels so foreign. It just feels wrong. I just remember being in the car and I was just like, oh my goodness, Lord. There was a moment where I just felt like I reached this level of resilience, I could identify I was still struggling to be assertive, Having hard conversations are very hard for me. Like my body just feels it all the time.

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But

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I realized the more that I Get triggered or have these difficult conversations, God somehow shows me like, oh. See that feeling of the fear of abandonment, it doesn't stay as long. You're not freaking out as much.

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Yeah.

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And it's not like a, I don't care if people don't stay kind of thing. But it's like, I'm at peace. I'm okay. So I've seen that kind of progression

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in

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the way that like my body responds, but then I recognize there's growth in that resiliency. My voice used to shake when I used to speak up for myself. My voice doesn't shake as much anymore. That's huge progress. Is it still hard? Am I sometimes overthinking it? Absolutely. But my lips don't tremble as much,

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That's a great example, healing wasn't just this absolute, where it's like I no longer struggle with people pleasing

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and,

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Having difficult conversations is not hard at all.

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that's

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the hope, that's the end goal maybe. Yeah. But, it takes

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a

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while to get there

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and

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you're seeing these baby steps happen. But then you're also experiencing the triggers. You're also experiencing how difficult it feels internally. And that's gonna happen with healing. Just because you're still getting triggered or just because your body feels not good or these emotions still keep coming up, that doesn't mean you're not healing. I think we need to look how far God has brought us, and ask the question, what is God forming in us?

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You still maybe encounter some triggers, but then recognize I'm not where I used to be either.

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Yeah. I went through very intense seasons of being misunderstood. On top of that, I am

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officially

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neurodivergent. It's been confirmed.

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I

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do officially have a DHD. and that creates a whole different experience too, where I feel like I'm stuck in my inner world. The way that I described it to people is It feels as if I'm stuck on a deserted island with Jesus and surrounding this island is a whole bunch of crashing waves and jagged rocks.

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Mm.

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And it's like, I see the people having fun

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in

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the water, in the ocean, and I'm like, hi, I know you can't come to me and I can't come to you. You know? it feels so isolating. And I think people can look at me being on the

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deserted

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island, be like, oh, she's stuck up, or,

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oh,

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oh, she thinks she's better, whatever. Like, she's choosing isolation and threatening unity in the body of Christ, like, you know, all these things. And I just had to, lean in deeper

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into

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the fact that Jesus tells me who I am.

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He

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formed my worth, and he knows my heart.

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Even

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if it's being misrepresented, even if misunderstandings are happening or assumptions are being made that are incorrect. and I had to learn how to sit in that tension. Do I still long to be understood? Absolutely. But I've received a new kind of peace with it when it does happen. Like my value and my worth don't tank every time that I'm misunderstood.

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I think for me it was learning to trust the voice that he's given me.

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stripping

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away,

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Any

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kind self doubt and lack of assurance that I felt. and

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learning

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to understand who he's made me to be without

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feeling

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the need to shift and shape myself, to anything. So that I can make the room comfortable.

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I think in both of our examples and whatever

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you

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guys are also personally struggling with, bring to mind

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Personal

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stronghold or area of, continual weakness that you've observed in your own

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inner

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healing journey? Yeah. What is that?

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It

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could be people pleasing

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or

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maybe forgiveness. maybe it's rage and anger. or

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low self-esteem, like insecurities, comparison. I would say those are the big ones.

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Or even addictions So whatever that is ask the Holy Spirit to bring that to mind in what ways have you made some progress and healing in that with God? Even if it's small. Just like the example that Jasmine gave. Being able to have difficult conversations with less of a quivering lip,

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you know?

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you know?

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Yes.

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It seems small, but it's such a big milestone for you. For myself, it was being able to sit in that discomfort

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of

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knowing that I'm being misunderstood. It almost feels like slander, you know, like a character assassination. And I just have to sit there with Jesus and be like, okay, tell me one more time, Jesus, where my value's at.

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Tell

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me one more time what you think of me,

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because

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all these other voices are very loud and it hurts so much. So whatever that is for you, hold onto that. And then in what ways do you feel like this.

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Root

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issue or this struggle keeps on coming up

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and

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maybe it's popping up in other areas so like with people pleasing, I experienced it in so many different ways where I end up masking a lot. I will mask

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at

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church and just

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engage

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in automatic conversations, small talk with people. How are you? I'm good. Wait, why did I say that? Like, internally, I'm thinking like,

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but

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I'm not good. Why am I responding this way? can I say at least one thing that is true, even if it's not the whole thing about me not doing well? Whatever your struggle is, in what ways has that still been

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cropping

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up? as you think about that, I want you to ask yourself the question. God, what are you cultivating in me? What work are you doing? Because everything God uses for his glory, God is so intentional.

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Those

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walls that he keeps on, placing in our healing journey. instead of

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asking,

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God, why is this wall here? Ask God. What do you want to speak to me about? What do you wanna form in me

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as

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we approach this wall together?

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as you're asking the Holy Spirit that, I would actually prompt you to ask him What are some milestones we've crossed together?

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What are

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are some things that we can take a moment to celebrate together? What metaphorical seas have you crossed already? What ways has God parted

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the

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Red Sea for you already?

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Can we

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we take a moment to celebrate?

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Even breaking it down smaller. I think about

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how, the

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Israelites or the priest in particular,

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since they

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they were tasked with going out first into the, the Jordan River in this case. it wasn't that they waited until the flood waters receded. They had to put their foot in as the flood was happening. And as they put their foot in, that's when it met

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solid

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Dry ground. the water was still happening. So in what ways have you even taken

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steps of

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of faith, Maybe you haven't seen the results just yet because you're in the process of putting your foot down and what you're seeing is there's still this flood raging, right?

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But

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what is that step of obedience that the Holy Spirit had put on your heart to do, and out of obedience, out of faith? You decide to do that and partner with the Holy Spirit,

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but you

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you still haven't seen the fruit just yet.

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That's

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part of, remembering those milestones. That within itself, I would say is a milestone. All of this reminds me of Romans five, three to five. not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings

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because we

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we know that suffering produces perseverance. Perseverance. Character and character. Hope. And hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. God has really been bringing up these verses to me. as I've shared with you and on this podcast,

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life

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has been very difficult.

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The

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kind of healing that I'm going through right now.

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it

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feels like regression. Yeah. I'm returning back to some of these things that have been long time struggles and

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I'm

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fighting that temptation to be like, well, what do we do all these years? Lord, I thought we had healed this.

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But

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What is going to be produced from this out of suffering produces perseverance.

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Can

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I learn to endure when I don't see fruit? Can I learn to endure when I don't

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feel

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the same? Intimacy with God as I used to. In a previous season I was hearing God's voice all the time. Yeah. Getting visions, words. The scripture was just jumping out at me like I could hear God's voice so clearly. And it was

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such an

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an amazing season I think this season

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he

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hasn't been silent,

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but

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he's been quieter.

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At

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first I started freaking out because I'm like, oh my gosh, maybe I'm not reading the word enough or doing like something enough Yeah. To be able to hear God's voice, like I'm straining to hear it.

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And

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God just kept telling me that his presence was with me. But he didn't say that he was teaching me something or that he was speaking something to me is just. His silent presence was there. what I'm realizing is in learning how to persevere, it is producing in me fruit. And it's producing within me a new level of maturity where my faith isn't just based upon spiritual highs

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or

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emotional highs. I used to think that like if I, cried a lot and had these like breakthroughs and these deep spiritual revelations with God, that meant intimacy. But intimacy can also look calmer.

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What

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does it look like to trust in him when

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this

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space is void of his voice, but it's not void of his presence.

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When I was, preparing for this episode, I was talking to God and reflecting upon The things that we were gonna talk about. he had given me this image

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of

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someone, swimming upstream and like they're going against the current, despite paddling so hard, they're not moving. And then I saw in contrast, this other image of someone

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who,

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Instead of fighting it, They'll let the current take them. To wherever it is that the current wants, that person to go.

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You

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can either look at it and feel this sense of fear, like, oh my God, this person needs to swim But instead it, generated a different feeling. For me it was peace. That's what I felt like this person was feeling when they finally just Let the current take them. it's, oh my

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goodness, it brings so much thoughts to me. The word that came to my mind is striving.

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Working

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really, really hard and not really getting anywhere. But then there was this turning point, where they let go, but that release came from a moment of trust.

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I

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don't know for whoever that is, if you feel like God is, calling you to Just kind of go with the current,

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know

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that you're going to get that feeling of peace and certainty that you're gonna be okay.

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When I was watching this image unfold, the person who finally surrendered

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they

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had to surrender their will of going upstream. They're going the opposite direction, I think that's the other big thing too, especially as we talk about,

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having

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all of these expectations and pressure about healing a certain way in a certain timeframe. I think we have to just surrender all of that. We decide in faith, by the grace of God and with the Holy Spirit, I'm going to heal,

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but

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I and my limited knowledge don't understand or know what the healing process is gonna look like.

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And

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at times it's going to feel so counterintuitive even counterproductive. but healing isn't about productivity. Healing isn't even about making us arrive at a certain place. Healing is part of cultivating that perseverance and character and hope,

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and our

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our personal relationship with Jesus and our dependency upon him.

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also just cultivating a friendship with him he's cultivating all of these like characteristics within us,

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but

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but he's bringing us into closer, intimate relationship with him as well. And security in that.

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Even

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when we start to surrender our understanding of what healing is going to look like and how long and all that, it's still going to feel very difficult. Yeah. For all the reasons that we mentioned previously. I think about how, like maybe the person who's a busy body,

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they

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finally make that decision to rest and detach productivity from their. And so when they're finally resting and not doing and not performing, initially it's going to feel so foreign their body is gonna freak out and be like, why aren't we doing, why aren't we serving?

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Why

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aren't we, filling up our schedule. It's gonna freak out a bit. Or I think about the person who is coming out of fear and mistrust of people. and they decide

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to,

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be vulnerable with a safe person. Like God had highlighted that person to them. They're like, okay,

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I'm

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going to share vulnerably,

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but

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then their body starts tightening up and that fear rears its ugly head. And this thought comes up of.

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This

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person could take what I'm sharing and use it against me as a weapon.

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Or

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maybe, like we said already, the person that's already forgiven,

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someone

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else that's wronged them,

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but

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then your nervous system still feels uneasy and unsafe around

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them,

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Or, maybe you grew up in an environment where, love

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was

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associated with chaos and intensity. the more chaotic, the more intense,

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the

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more that person loved you, or at least that's what it felt like to you. So you step out of those toxic relationships and then you find someone who is secure

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and

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calm,

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but

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you start to think. This person doesn't love me because they're not so intense about their love for me. They're not calling me all the time. We're not glued to our phones with each other. You know? And then your body starts to think,

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wait,

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this isn't our usual experience of love. This person doesn't love you. This is how self-sabotage happens. All of this goes back to neuroplasticity, which we talked about in the last episode. Our brain is, wired in such a way, and through conditioning and trauma conditioning, we start to learn these messages for the last example, love and chaos are associated together. Therefore, chaos equals love. And it's hard to disentangle these things. That neural pathway associated with that thought of love and chaos together, that gets reinforced over and over and over again. The more that we're in that environment,

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then

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when we finally break out of that environment, like leaving that toxic relationship

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and

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we do enter into safety, safety can feel unsafe when we're used to the lack of safety,

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So a

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a new neural pathway forms, Where we're trying to recondition and reteach our body

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that

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love equals calm. Love equals secure love shouldn't include chaos. we're trying to teach ourselves this, but it's a neural pathway that's newly formed. Through the process of synaptic pruning, the principle states that the neural pathways that we use more often, they get strengthened. And then the neural pathways we don't use as much. They disappear. obviously we have this old programming in place, competing against a new neural pathway that we haven't reinforced.

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Your

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body is going to think that this is wrong or this is foreign, or this is a bad thing. But you just have to

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reteach

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your body. I think about how God.

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Wants

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us to love him with all of our heart, with all of our soul, with all of our mind, with all of our strength,

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all

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four of these things, mind, body, soul,

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integrated,

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connected, submitted to Christ. It's not like know with our head what's true, like forming that neural pathway. Yeah. And even the behaviors with our might doing the things that we need to do,

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but

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the body

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takes a

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a while to kind of catch up with the other two. Our nervous system carries these memories and these associations is gonna take some time for God to heal that and bring that into alignment with what we know and with our behaviors too.

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I think it's important to stress amount of. self-compassion and love that is required in the process. Being able to not just understand what's happening,, in a practical way, be like, body's reacting this way because of this. we're strengthening this, but we're not there yet and that's okay.

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In

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time it will come. Mm-hmm. Like being able to have that kind of conversation with yourself and understanding all these layers of mind, body, soul integration, so that, we can move, into a place of greater freedom.

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That's why healing is nonlinear. Yeah. And healing takes so much time. we're trying to integrate

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all

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these different parts, it's possible that we experience cognitive dissonance where our behaviors don't match what we know to be true. there's no reason to beat yourself up for that.

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Observe

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it

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and

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bring it to God and pray into it, you know? What might be some examples of things that you would say to yourself with kindness?

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Like, Hey, it's okay. It's okay. I know you're feeling so much right now, and I know it feels like, you are not gonna make it through. it doesn't help that the enemy feeds off of these moments too. I want you to remember

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that

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you're not alone. And that, It's okay to be here. it doesn't mean anything

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about

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you in this moment. You're gonna be okay.

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Parenting of your inner child.

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Exactly. Just being able to like, I'm freaking out. It's okay to freak out. Like, do you wanna sit for a

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second? Like,

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let's

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go lie in the bed. And even in moments where I'm like, I just want eat McDonald's and a whole huge bag of chips. I, I love hot chips, you guys. I do.

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She

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really does.

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being

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able to say like, you know what, today

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you

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didn't cope in the best way, and that's okay, but we get to learn. we get to try next time,

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what I'm hearing is that you are saying these things to show yourself that

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mistakes

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don't define you. And because you're trying to reorient yourself to the fact that this is a process, a non-linear process

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where

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some days feel like the most victorious big steps that you've ever made, and then other days it feels like regression. but something that I always say is what feels like regression is actually progression. Because you're gonna see it from a different lens

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and

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it's also an opportunity or an invitation from God to invite him into that. So even your mistakes, even the biggest setbacks,

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that's

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not more or too big God to handle or redeem. Everything is redeemable with God. Self-compassion. I had to exercise this recently. I don't think I've shared yet on this podcast, but there, there was a week and a half. Yeah. Where things were just not good I was so dysfunctional that I had to cancel the classes that I was teaching. I could not leave my house because I suffer from sensory overload. The overstimulation was too much. My body was constantly in anxiety. and everything just felt like a burden no matter how simple it was, like showering or eating. I felt like I just didn't have the strength or ability to do any of it., I wasn't able to finish grading an assignment that my students have been waiting on since the beginning of the semester. I just, I felt like a failure. I was like, I can't even do this simple thing. My students are counting on me and I, haven't seen them in a week and a half, almost two weeks. Like, this is bad. This is bad. it was catastrophic

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in

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my mind. And that's how it felt like. I was hoping to finish

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before I

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I saw my students again, but it was the night before I returned back to working

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and

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I had like maybe seven groups worth of, papers to still grade. normally

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my

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old self would've pulled an all-nighter I made the conscious decision to say, you know what? It's midnight right now. it would be good for me to sleep.

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but

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I feel so bad for my students who aren't getting the feedback that they need in order to do the next assignment everything within me wants to go forward and basically, more harm than good on my body order to make that happen. But because God has really been teaching me, you need to rest in me, your worth is not tied to productivity and results.

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It's

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okay that this is unfinished.

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So I

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I was still experiencing these uncomfortable feelings, but I was like, I hear you God.

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And

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as much as it goes against

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every,

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fiber in my body, gonna put this to the side. And I sent an email to my students and apologized that I couldn't grading theirs. And I'm like, but here's some generalized feedback from the other papers I've graded. one of the students replied back, and it was the sweetest reply. I actually cried. she was like, professor, I wasn't even expecting you to get to grading. you haven't been feeling well I thought that you would just focus on healing. all this pressure that I had put on myself to

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perform

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and to be on point. And

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whenever I

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I didn't meet the standard that I set for myself, I just felt like a failure, like a horrible professor.

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And

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here was tangible evidence for my. That she cares about me as a person, not what I'm producing or getting these results back to her

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by

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by a certain time. in that moment, God was using this student also help me show that compassion and kindness to myself Make that decision that

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feels

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so counter to everything that your body

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and

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and your mind and your emotions are telling you what's right and what's not,

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and

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allow the Holy Spirit to speak what is true. sometimes God will send other people to speak that to you.

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Sometimes we need that affirmation'cause sometimes we second guess. our decisions.

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Oh yeah.

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Because we're stuck in patterns.

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Mm-hmm.

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but

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the

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the Lord will come and he will affirm.

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Hopefully with our tangible examples, you have some ideas on first of all, what

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healing

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looks like and how difficult it is, how uncomfortable it is. Yeah. But

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that

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shouldn't be something that deters you from healing., It's beautiful, complicated, painful process all wrapped up in one. But God uses it to cultivate something so valuable in you and to grow fruit in you. that's something that Jasmine and I would really want to invite y'all into, even though we have some days where we're just like, I don't know, this is worth it, man, because that happens. But we can confidently say that it is worth it. Thanks so much for joining us this week. We pray that this episode spoke to you and

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humanized the

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the process of healing and yeah. broke chains about how healing should look like and the pressure that it comes with. It's really just an aspect of, you know, walking out our relationship with Christ. Join us next time as we talk real real

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emotions,

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questions, real healing real healing and real, and the real Jesus. Until next time, keep it real.

Head Shot

Melissa Chan

Host
Contributor

Jasmine Barcia

Co-host